The Bittersweet...

That night I went back home to get some sleep. I wanted to stay but my mom told me it would be best if I got some rest. When I woke up the next morning, I went right back to the hospital. My father still looked deathly ill and the doctor said he was probably going to need an oxygen mask. I was so confused and frustrated with all this happening so fast. I felt as if I couldn't fix any of it and I had to watch it all happened. Throughout the day we kept relaying information to the rest of our family on what was going on. Throughout the day I tried to remain as strong as possible for everyone. I didn't want to start breaking down and crying for everyone to see. I remember sitting there with my dad throughout the day just sitting there. I didn't know what to say half the time and it got to the point where he couldn't respond that well. At some point in the afternoon my mom was having a conversation with a nurse that was taking care of my dad. I walked up to them as they were talking and chimed into the conversation. The nurse talked about how my dads body was slowly failing. I remember the look in her eyes when she was looking at me. She was holding back the tears and you could feel and see the sadness she was feeling when she was telling me the news. She told us that he probably wouldn't make it through the night. I have never felt so lost in my life. Almost everything made sense in my life, whether it was good or bad for me. This, I did not understand. It did not make sense, my father, at the age of 52, wasn't going to be able to see another day?

I remember that I brought my laptop to the hospital with me so I could attempt to do some homework. After hearing the news, I pulled out the laptop and pulled up iTunes for my dad. I made him a playlist of his favorite songs. I put the laptop by his bed and played the music loud. He loved the song Chicken Fried by Zac Brown Band. When the music started playing you could see his heart rate jump up just a little, although his emotions physically were the same. As the day proceeded us siblings had to figure everything out with the medical power of attorney and such. Only one person could be a power of attorney and dad had to appoint who it would be verbally. This was such a hard moment for us all. To ask our father who he wanted to be the person in charge of decisions when he couldn't make the decision himself. Accepting death... Telling our dad that the ultimate fear was going to happen in the near future... To give up... I remember all five of us standing around him and his bed just looking at him, as he was breathing heavily. I told him we all loved him, and we would make him proud. My father responded, "I already am..." He then appointed my oldest sister the attorney and we left the room.

As the night became young the whole family was waiting around. I have never waited for death... I didn't even know how to prepare for it. I could never picture my life without my father. It got to the point where my father had to receive 100% oxygen to keep going. He had this huge plastic gas mask looking thing on his face. Our dad always told us growing up that he would never want to be put on life support. After this was all happening, us siblings decided that we needed to go talk about what to do next. One of my brothers decided to stay with dad while we went and discussed it. We all went to my oldest brothers car and sat there. None of us said anything for a minute or two. My little sister then said, "Dad doesn't like hospitals..." It was the one thing that did make sense... We all chuckled and just sighed... We all then made a decision on what to do.

Me and my oldest brother then had to tell my other brother on what we decided and make sure it was ok with him as well. We decided to go to the chapel in the hospital to talk somewhere, where there wasn't any people to bother us. We talked about the decision we made and asked him what he wanted. He agreed with us. I told him that none of us could have a guilty conscience about the decision, that it was something that would be with us for the rest of our lives. We then agreed again and said we would do it at 11pm... After we all agreed we went to go talk to the doctor about what we have decided. He said he would take care of everything and have everything ready to go at 11pm. We then went around and told our whole family the news, me and my oldest brother then went downstairs to make a phone call.

While I was making the phone call I got another phone call from my step dad. He told me I needed to get upstairs right away. I could hear the shakiness in his voice, I ran as fast as I could to my dads room. As I got to the floor I started running to the room and I saw the whole family was in there. They were all sobbing and holding on to each other. My father was laying on the bed hanging on with his fingertips... His vitals were bare minimum low. I crouched down to his feet and touched him and told him he could not leave just yet. He had to wait for my oldest brother to get up to the room before he did anything. After saying that his vitals jumped up a little, a spark of hope. I saw my oldest brother come rushing into the room and he came right next to my dad and put his hand on him.

My dad had it.... His whole entire family in the same room with him, people he loved, by his side. The people that mattered most to him in his life were there to see him depart this world. After we were all there by his side, he finally passed around 10:30pm on November 19th, 2009... I felt as though the room felt a little emptier when he passed. As if something left the room.

I don't know if he heard us in the chapel... I don't know if he heard us in the car... I do know though, that he did hear us. He took the burden off all of us to have to make that decision. It showed the world that he truly is an amazing father and he would do anything for his family. I can only wish to be half the man my father was. To be able to cry inside so nobody can see the true suffering. I did learn that family is one of the most important things in life; but better yet happiness. I also learned that life is truly bittersweet. Bitter of departure... And sweetness to a new beginning. My father left his world smiling... Happy...